Handkerchief Hypothesis [opinion]

September 1, 2010

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been somewhat repulsed by people blowing their noses in public (restaurants and crowded classrooms are particularly bad). You gotta blow your nose? Go to the fucking bathroom.

But perhaps even more disgusting than the clan of public noseblowers are the handkerchief people. Yes, I’m talking about the people who will use a tissue or “hanky”, and put said snot receptacle BACK into their pocket? Oh. My. God. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This is a concept i will NEVER understand.

I remember being in a diner with my dad when i was younger. Mind you, my dad is one of these handkerchief honkies. He pulled the aforementioned pocketing maneuver and i think this was the first time i really  noted how gross that shit is. But, to make matters worse, when we were leaving, he told me i had some schmutz on my face and pulled out his soiled tissue to try to wipe it off me. WHAT THE FUCK DAD?! HOW CAN YOU DO THAT TO YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD??

I can understand the reasoning for handkerchiefs’ existence. People need a place to blow their nose and perhaps an apparatus to dab forehead sweat with. That’s what they invented the disposable tissue for. But how, how on earth, does ANYONE feel comfortable with putting a soiled wannabe napkin in their pocket? “Yeah well this toilet paper still has some white spots so i think i’ll put it in my vest pocket in case i get mudbutt later on.” Ugh. And what about the other shit in your pockets? Do you just accept that there’s a chance you might pull out your phone and it will be covered in snot and mucous? No way homie. Fuck that shit.

Viva la kleenex