Tokyo Talk: One Year Anniversary Edition [Tokyo Talk]

August 26, 2011

Give me Tokyo Talk or give me death!

Warning: You are about to exceed your recommended daily allowance of Tokyo Talk. Proceed with caution. And enthusiastic sardonicism. And haughty vocabulary.

Buenos Nachos! Welcome back to the wonderful world of Tokyo Talk! I know it’s been a while, but absence makes the fart heart grow fonder.

It’s been a bit of a struggle to keep up with regular posting, but in honor of the one year anniversary of The Tokyo Think Tank’s founding, i present to you a full-course offering of Tokyo Talk. BON APPETIT!

When you're sweaty, you're ready

Let’s talk about sweat, baby

As the summer begins to wind down, i feel it’s a good time to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart: Perspiration. As i like to say: Some people sweat bullets. I sweat buckets. I kinda consider myself the Stephen Hawking of sweating. In light of that consideration, let me share with you some of my sweat prevention techniques!

  • The hair dryer – ever been to a pregame or party stuffed with people you hate who take all of the oxygen and air conditioning that you clearly deserve? Have you proceeded to produce massive sweat stains on your nice button-down as a result? Well, let me share a little remedy with you: duck into the bathroom, plug in a hair dryer, and work that mofo full blast on aforementioned stains. They’ll be gone in minutes. Beware: this technique is a double-edged sword. While clearing up the stains, it does pump up the core temperature of your pits, which could lead to exponentially worse sweating. This technique is best used right before you’re about to leave.
  • Powder – a fine preventive/remedial technique for the causal sweater, powdering your “saturated areas” is a good way to keep dry and smooth while hopefully stymying future sweat attacks. Warning: Do not attempt this technique if you are an advanced sweater who is already in the process of heavy perspiration. For example, if you already have swamp ass, don’t apply powder to the area. You’ll just wind up walking around with a batch of waffle batter in your pants.
  • Dream Scenario – It is my hope to one day obtain a gigantic spool of UnderArmour material and a sexy seamstress to attach patches of UnderArmour to the armpits of all my shirts. I think that not only would it keep me dry, it would also make me more aerodynamic when i fight.
Mango-Pineapple is the new Hey-Ho
You’ve probably all seen this commercial by now:
I mean, i like smoothies as much as the next guy, but since when did any musician think it a good idea to initiate a call-and-response about  artificial flavoring? I’m a particular fan of the girl dressed in yellow (edit: everyone is dressed in yellow) whom the camera focuses on as she excitedly responds, “PINEAPPLE!” Do you think that chick will one day build a successful acting career and attribute it to the huge resume boost of starring as “Pineapple girl” in a McDonald’s commercial?  Shame on you, Ronald (That beat is still hot, though).


Which is a worse place to hear the song “Shots” by LMFAO: An alcoholics anonymous meeting, or a pediatrician’s office?

Speaking of LMFAO…

People want to party with these guys?

Does anyone remember that stretch during the summer when SportsCenter was using “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO as the background track for highlight compilations? I’m sorry, but when i think sports i dont really think of the two dorks pictured above. I remain unconvinced that these guys actually know how to party and that people with the slightest bit of respect for themselves would actually want to party with these dweebs. LMFAO only serves to promote the popularity of this next topic…

“Clowning” or as some call it, “Dressing and acting like a fucking idiot”


Are you a unique person who wants to express your individuality? Well stop right there, because this trend is not for you! You’ve all certainly seen it. Douchebags dressed in bright colors and feathered hats. Girls wearing lampshades and glasses without lenses, saying, “Live your life be free.” *barf* If this whole trend is supposed to be about expressing yourself and your creativity, then why is it that everyone dresses and acts the same? If i may borrow from South Park: Stan asks the goths how he can join their group, to which one goth replies, “If you want to be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.” Thank you, South Park. I could not have articulated it better.

(Another great excerpt from that episode of South Park)

  • Goth (to kyle): You just dont know what real pain is
  • Kyle: Oh, like you know what pain is! Why don’t you go try living in a Third-World country, you little pussy!
  • Goth: I’m not gonna live in a third-world country with all the conformists.

Do you remember this song?
Of course you do! But i bet you probably couldnt name the artist. Take a closer look. Ce Ce Peniston.. PenisTon. Penis Ton. How great is that?! (LOLLZZZZ)
And now for the traditional lookalike of the whenever
Jorge Posada of the NY Yankees looks like The Jesus himself – John Turturro.


That’s all for now. Ponder in peace my friends.

Tokyo Talk: Platinum Edition, yo! [tokyo talk]

May 24, 2011

Bonjour. Ciao. Hola. Howdy do, mothafucka. Yes, I know, I’ve been gone for a minute. Now I’m back with the jumpoff! All Lil Kim lyrics aside, i present to you the platinum edition of Tokyo Talk. If you’re new to the program, click here. Alright now, FULL STEAM AHEAD!

Child, please!

Obeservation: If you saw a 5-year-old boy, you would call him a little boy or little kid. If you saw a 5-year-old girl, you would only call her a little girl and not a little kid. So, girls aren’t kids? Think about it. You know you do it. If it’s bugging you, just use my solution and call them all little shits.

Opinion: I’ve never been a huge fan of potato chips. I like corn chips, tortilla chips, etc., but something about potato chips turns me off. Probably because i used to hang out with this nerdy kid whose house smelled like stale potato chip farts. Whatever. I’ll let you eat your potato chips in peace. But i DO take exception to these abominations:

If crab were spelled "frab" and then reversed, it would spell "barf." Interesting.

Crab chips. What would possess anyone to buy these? Travel south of the mason-dixon line and people fiend for them like crackheads for a fix. It’s gotta be the Old Bay seasoning, or as i like to call it, “Hillbilly Pixie Dust.” The only reason i wold ever buy these is to repel people of decency and good taste. “Get back, esteemed gentleman, or face my crabby breath and spoiled pride!”

Mmmm, meat.

Discussion: If you were a 25-year-old virgin who has also been a vegetarian your whole life, which would better: the first time having sex or the first time eating a well-marbled, juicy, succulent, bone-in Rib-eye steak? Im going with the steak. People might think older virgins are weird, but to quote the great Hank Hill, “Vegetarians can’t be trusted.”


That's some good NaCl, baby.

Here’s a dank ideaInstead of using plain old salt for tequila shots or margaritas, bars should collect and use the flavor-infused salt that gathers at the bottom of pretzel bags (the only salt officially endorsed by The Tokyo Think Tank). It would be like eating your pretzel and drinking it too!

"Free sandwich? How can this be bad?"

If i were in a band, we would call ourselves “Free Sandwich.” We might suck. We might not even play music. But people would definitely show up if they saw “Free Sandwich tonight” written on a billboard. You’ve seen Free Hat, haven’t you?

And now for the traditional hypothesized lovechild: In the spirit of the NBA playoffs, i propose to you that if Breckin Meyer (Road Trip, Franklin & Bash) and Liam Neeson (Taken, general badass) had a baby, it would look like Oklahoma City Thunder head coach Scott Brooks.

Breckin Meyer (ya, ^^ that dude)

Bad motha', Liam Neeson

Scott Brooks

Ponder in peace my friends, always.


G-man (@G_for_free)

Tokyo Talk: Volume 6 [tokyo talk]

November 30, 2010

Paint Skillz...

Bonjour! Welcome to the sixth edition of Tokyo Talk, you’re favorite place for articulate observations, curious hypotheses and bizarre social commentary! If you’re unfamiliar, check out past editions. Let’s get to it!!!


Interesting Fact: They say crack is the most addictive drug. You know what the second most addictive is? Original Chapstick. True statement.

This guy probably stunk pretty hard

Did you know that you don’t really need laundry detergent to make your clothes smell fresh? It’s actually the abrasion from the washing process that lifts odors from your threads. It’s true. So, the next time you’re around some smelly hippie, kick his ass a little bit. He’ll probably freshen right up and thank you kindly!


Read the rest of this entry »

Tokyo Talk: Volume 5 [tokyo talk]

November 4, 2010


I plead the fif volume of Tokyo Talk!

Just cuz this is the fifth volume of tokyo talk don’t mean it’s gonna be a nickel bag! We got a fat sack of highly opinionated opinions, musings, rants and even some of our own daNk ideas. Lets get to it!


Classy and understated. Keith Hernandez: an exemplar of fine facial hair

Fact: There is no greater compliment one man can pay another than, “Sir, that is a fine mustache you’ve got there.”


A cUlinary bUtthole

Hey Andrew Zimmern: Stop pronouncing the “cu” in culinary as “q” or “cue.” People watch your show to see you eat weird shit, not listen to your unfoundedly pompous babble. Shut up.


Read the rest of this entry »

Tokyo Talk: Volume 4 [Tokyo Talk]

October 24, 2010

Hmmm. Sunday Night. Football is over until the Giants storm Dallas tomorrow. Got some free time on my hands… Must be time for Tokyo Talk!

As usual, this week’s edition is chock-full of ideas, opinions and musings on everything from the bland to the bizarre. Need a refresher? Check out previous Tokyo Talks. Let’s get down to business!

Is it coincidence or divine providence that New Jersey’s license plate color scheme is that of a dirty tooth?


Read the rest of this entry »

Tokyo Talk: Volume 3 [tokyo talk]

October 15, 2010

It’s your favorite time of the whenever: time for Tokyo Talk! A catalogue of random musings and opinions, Tokyo Talk seeks to provoke thought on everything from the minute to the magnificent. If you’re unfamiliar with Tokyo Talk, check out the previous editions. Let’s get to it!


uhhh, how 'bout we pound it instead?


If your hands are wet, please do not shake my hand or give me a high-five. There is an unpleasant mystery behind wet hands; a mystery i want no part in solving. What, did you just come from the bathroom? Ok, gross. Why are your hands so damn wet and nasty? What’s your deal, guy? Please keep your clammy paws at bay. If you must touch me, at least have the decency to make it a pound.


Read the rest of this entry »

Tokyo Talk: Volume 2 [tokyo talk]

October 3, 2010

Paint Skills

Might be a little slow this week at The Tokyo Think Tank. I, G-man, am buckling down for the LSAT on saturday, but fear not, there’ll still be sweet original content for your viewing pleasure!

So, without further ado…Welcome to the second edition of Tokyo Talk: A collection of random thoughts, musings and opinions on everything from the mundane to the magnificent. If you’re new to the site, click here to read the first edition of Tokyo Talk. Now, LET THE THINKING BEGIN!!!

Race to the finish

Sociology Report: Do you ever notice the inordinate amount of social pressure involved with brushing your teeth at the same time as someone else? It’s one of life’s great unspoken truths that most normal people will double or even triple their ordinary brushing time just to make sure that they finish after their toothbrushing counterpart, thus proving their hygienic supremacy.

I recently owned writer/roommate P. Von Throwhausen in a brush battle. He thought his ace in the hole was individual floss picks but i busted out the mouthwash trump card. Hey, life is a game of inches and i’ll take a victory anyway i can get it.


Read the rest of this entry »