Tokyo Talk: Platinum Edition, yo! [tokyo talk]

May 24, 2011

Bonjour. Ciao. Hola. Howdy do, mothafucka. Yes, I know, I’ve been gone for a minute. Now I’m back with the jumpoff! All Lil Kim lyrics aside, i present to you the platinum edition of Tokyo Talk. If you’re new to the program, click here. Alright now, FULL STEAM AHEAD!

Child, please!

Obeservation: If you saw a 5-year-old boy, you would call him a little boy or little kid. If you saw a 5-year-old girl, you would only call her a little girl and not a little kid. So, girls aren’t kids? Think about it. You know you do it. If it’s bugging you, just use my solution and call them all little shits.

Opinion: I’ve never been a huge fan of potato chips. I like corn chips, tortilla chips, etc., but something about potato chips turns me off. Probably because i used to hang out with this nerdy kid whose house smelled like stale potato chip farts. Whatever. I’ll let you eat your potato chips in peace. But i DO take exception to these abominations:

If crab were spelled "frab" and then reversed, it would spell "barf." Interesting.

Crab chips. What would possess anyone to buy these? Travel south of the mason-dixon line and people fiend for them like crackheads for a fix. It’s gotta be the Old Bay seasoning, or as i like to call it, “Hillbilly Pixie Dust.” The only reason i wold ever buy these is to repel people of decency and good taste. “Get back, esteemed gentleman, or face my crabby breath and spoiled pride!”

Mmmm, meat.

Discussion: If you were a 25-year-old virgin who has also been a vegetarian your whole life, which would better: the first time having sex or the first time eating a well-marbled, juicy, succulent, bone-in Rib-eye steak? Im going with the steak. People might think older virgins are weird, but to quote the great Hank Hill, “Vegetarians can’t be trusted.”


COMPLIMENTARY INTERMISSION JAM

That's some good NaCl, baby.

Here’s a dank ideaInstead of using plain old salt for tequila shots or margaritas, bars should collect and use the flavor-infused salt that gathers at the bottom of pretzel bags (the only salt officially endorsed by The Tokyo Think Tank). It would be like eating your pretzel and drinking it too!

"Free sandwich? How can this be bad?"

If i were in a band, we would call ourselves “Free Sandwich.” We might suck. We might not even play music. But people would definitely show up if they saw “Free Sandwich tonight” written on a billboard. You’ve seen Free Hat, haven’t you?

And now for the traditional hypothesized lovechild: In the spirit of the NBA playoffs, i propose to you that if Breckin Meyer (Road Trip, Franklin & Bash) and Liam Neeson (Taken, general badass) had a baby, it would look like Oklahoma City Thunder head coach Scott Brooks.

Breckin Meyer (ya, ^^ that dude)

Bad motha', Liam Neeson

Scott Brooks

Ponder in peace my friends, always.

Cheers,

G-man (@G_for_free)


Rank or dank: stand-up comedians [rank or dank]

September 12, 2010

Rank – adj. Having a foul or offensive odor. Sucks ass.

Dank – adj. What is good. Im talking about dank like the fellas over at daNk ideas.

A new featured column, rank or dank will seek out the best of the best and the bottom of the barrel in all markets and industries. This is for you, our dear readers. Hopefully our highly opinionated opinions will help you discern the dank dank from the stank rank.

This edition: Stand-up comedians.

A field I’m fairly familiar with, stand-up comedy always has and always will have a dichotomy of talentless hacks and adroitly funny fellows. Click the jump to find out what’s good!

The Rank

International hand gesture for "I'm a douchebag"

Dane Cook

Click the jump to find out what’s good!

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